It's been a tough week for Wall Street guys. As if the Occupy Wall Street protests for the last couple months haven't been enough, Gawker dropped three hilarious items this week. One, a letter from an investment banker who went on one date with a woman and proceeded to write her an over-analyzed 1600 word email about how "she led him on" (but should probably go out with him again). Second, a story on Tuesday of another investment banker from JP Morgan Chase, who stalked his mistress all the way to London, feigned her sister's death, fake-fainted in front of her at the airport, claimed to be Israeli intelligence to see her, and perhaps the most bizarre, stole candle sticks from her apartment. (Alrighty, then?)

Lastly, today, a full blown hysterical article of tell-all tales from women who've dated men in the financial services industry. Investment bankers tend to take the biggest hit. (Uh hm, American Psycho, anyone?) But the general consensus of both the respondents in the article and the comments posted was: Wall Street guys are the worst. Ever. (Followed closely by lawyers.)

I have to say, such wild generalizations are unfair (I know several nice, normal guys who work in finance), but the article is hilarious and mimics experiences of women I know who have dealt with similar situations. Every woman who lives in New York knows about the stereotypical Wall Street guy and has probably experienced the douchery first hand at some point. My personal favorite is the infamous line they throw out within an hour of meeting you: "I don't date." A.k.a "I'll only casually sleep with you." It's as if they've all gone to Dbag Academy and learned the same trite lines, yet they're presenting themselves as some kind of "original" catch women should be fawning over. Somehow they think that line gives them the upper hand, playing on the B.S mantra that women "want what they can't have." I guess that may be true for other sociopath, insecure,  desperate types, but for any well adjusted female with self respect, their terrible social skills send women running in the opposite direction. And here is the hilarious proof. Thanks, Gawker!

All excerpts are from Gawker:

The Quizmaster

I had dated this guy for a little over a year, works for one of the Big 4 - here are some excerpts from one of our many break-up exchanges. I'll let the email speak for itself, took out the more personal stuff. But yeah, this was pretty typical.

OK what I want to talk about is this, all of the following points must be resolved. This may take time by sheer logistics alone but because you have difficulty saying things why don't you answer the questions in writing first. You have to provide the written answers to me if you do so, I will not need to see them ahead of time but I reserve the right to read all of them. The longer you make your answers the better this will be, spend as much time as you need, if you can't get it done by tonight or it will take you a few days that's fine. Sometimes Yes/No answers are OK but make this thing as perfect as one of your college papers.

DO NOT PUT THIS OFF. If you wait you will hurt your chances of us being together. I'll give you a dead-line: Thurs evening, I know you work hard and are busy. I would hate if you take as long as Thursday evening

...

Why you were unhappy with us:
Are there things you do not like about me?
Are there things you do not like about us?
Are there things you don't like about yourself when it comes to us?

Name as many things as you can you would change about. Again, you must list everything that bothers you.
1. me
suggestions: I interrupt you, I need to enunciate when I speak
2. us
3. yourself

...

Where do you want to be in?
6 months
1 year
5 years
10 years
20 years
50 years / retirement age

...

In Exercise A, you must cover any topics you bring up for previous periods

Exercise A
- List the reasons you were unhappy November 2007 - present
suggestions: Financial reasons, Emotional reasons, Our relationship related stuff, professional stuff
- List any things that made you happy November 2007 - present

List the reasons you are unhappy now:

List the reasons you are happy now:
__________________________

For the Exercise B it might make sense to break it into three tiers(OST):
An example for me:
Objective I want to be in better shape
- why should I bother? I want to have better health, I want to have better sex, I want to be more sexually attractive to women, I want to look and feel better about myself, I will be better at everything else if my health is in order, I will meet people by doing outdoorsy stuff
Strategies: I want to improve my 1. cardiovascular capabilities 2. flexibility 3. muscles 4. I want to do outdoorsy stuff this summer
Tactics/Action Items:
1. a. ride a bike for fun & to work
b. go on hikes
c. do yoga everyday, do a yoga class once a week
d. join a gym?????
2. a. do yoga everyday, do a yoga class once a week
3. a. join a gym??????
b. do yoga everyday, do a yoga class once a week
4. a. Do outdoorsy stuff with friends
b. ride a bike
c. go to the beach
d. fear getting sunburned less
e. book vacations and 3-day weekends

Exersice B
List all of the specific things you will do to improve:
1. Your physical health
2. Your emotional health

 

The Objectivist

(From commenter Nohio.)

I'm new in town. One of my few friends, Angie, sets me up with her buddy the investment banker. We went to dinner. This is a brief summary of the night.

(Drink One: Wine. General conversation about how we know the mutual friend, etc.)
Me: Tell me about yourself.
Investment Banker: I graduated with sixteen degrees and now I work at this firm. It's very complicated.
Me: I happen to have a degree in business. Enlighten me.
Investment Banker: I love my job, it feels like I never left the frat house. Let me tell you about my recent bonus...

(Drink Two: Martini)
Me: What do you do in your free time?
Investment Banker: I go out a lot. I read and go to shows sometime too. You're gorgeous.
Me: Oh, nice! What's the last book you read?
Investment Banker: Atlas Shrugged. I try to read it once a year.

(Drink Three: Vodka. Lots of vodka. Where the fuck is my food?)
Investment Banker: Check this out! (Shows me the tag on his jacket.) This is a custom made suit.
Investment Banker: You're very pretty. We're really connecting here. Let's go have a drink at my place.

He continues to pressure me into going home with him for the next half hour. Every line in the book. Maybe if he didn't talk the entire night I would have been interested? But anyway, we walk out of the restaurant, he grabs me, pushes me up against the building and attempts to make out with me/give me CPR. Definitely not romance movie material.

The next day he texts me at 10am. I'm still asleep and don't respond. So he texts me again at 10:30, 11 and 12. I'm trying not to burn bridges here, I'll probably see this kid again and I wanted to talk to Angie first. I'm guessing he started drinking around 3, because that's when the texts about getting me naked and fucking me on a bed of money start filling up my inbox. I tell him I'm not interested. He's shocked and starts calling me a whore. It was like no one had ever turned him down for sex before. The next day he apologized for his behavior and began planning the second date that I never agreed to. I reiterated that I wasn't interested, but he wouldn't give up. I just stopped texting him back. Two weeks later, he tried again. It took three months for him to stop texting me altogether. I realized that Angie and her entire group of friends were terrible people shortly after this horrendous date, so hopefully I never have to see him again.

 

The Entrepreneur

Hi [REDACTED],

I would like to be completely honest and just have good times together and help each other and maybe kiss each other once in awhile. See how you feel, you will not get any uneeded pressure from me. Can you go to Florida with me for a few days? Its strange I feel very close to you even though we don't really know each other. I'm just watching the news channels at the moment. The DOW is down but I feel up as I am speaking to you right now. Give me an update darling. Can we get together tomorrow for a while? Also I have to see clients in Orlando Midweek and then will drive to my condo in Ft Lauderdale. It would be great if I could fly you down there for a few days so we could do some things together. Let me know about tomorrow and how you feel about these upcoming things.

Talk to you soon.

All the best

[REDACTED]

Hi [REDACTED],

Well i'm very cuddly and nice under the sheets and really warm. You want to try and see how you feel? Also last week Krystal sent me an e-mail thanking me for dinner and asked for my number. I told her I was glad she had a good time as I was fine with her coming because I was very fond of you and if she wanted to come it was okay. Do you want to have a threesome with Krystal Friday night in NYC Hotel? It should be relaxed with a lot of sensuous passion between all of us. Would you both like that and feel good about it? I really would like to kiss you passionately on your own one day. I have no germs. Do you?

Warmest Regards,

[REDACTED]

Read more on Gawker.