I'm not sure exactly where to start. I haven't written in a long time, and I am not sure why. It definitely isn't due to a lack of things happening. I haven't fallen into a pit of self-loathing or been sitting at home for days on end watching Rock Of Love reruns on VH1 while testing out various kinds of microwave popcorn, convinced the next one may really taste exactly like Movie Theater Popcorn...ok well the second scenario may have been true, but alas, I just haven't been inspired to write.
They say some things are better left to memory, and while I wish I could say this was the reasoning behind my absence, those that know me, and how many pictures I like to take, will call my bluff. So yeah, this blog could just be the ramblings of another flight to Los Angeles with nothing to do but try and stretch in a cramped seat and read countless gossip mags about Kim Kardashian's new bikini body and her diet secrets. If there is one thing I have learned from my years of pitiful airport consumption of trashy tabloids, it is that no diet secret actually exists and that cellulite is simply genetic. So here is Lindsay Luv's secret to dieting, one that I rarely adhere to yet feel is foolproof in theory: Stop EATING Everything. It truly is that simple. A colonic is a just an especially big shit, and diet pills are a just fancy speed. If your heart is faster than a speeding bullet or your shit is on fire, then chances are you will either die from a heart attack or sheer embarrassment.
So, I've trailed off, but I warned you that I wasn't sure where I would begin or what I had to say, and apparently that led to colonics, which is a procedure I haven't tried but can live surely live without. And all this body talk leads finally to a topic of interest which would be my recent experience as Lady Gaga's fit model.
It is widely known that I am avid enthusiast of the wild and endangered species that is Miss Lady Gaga. In one daring fete of romantic endeavors, one of my past potential suitors went on a hot pursuit of a signed Lady Gaga CD for my wall. While our love lasted only 3 dates and endured an awkward kiss on the cheek and duck maneuver, Romeo was almost successful in his attempt to win my heart with my very own personally signed CD. He was, alas, very disappointed that I was only googoo for Gaga, so while our budding romance crashed and burned, my CD will last forever. He told me to call him and she told me to "Enjoy the Fame"...
While Romeo and I have since lost contact, my career has made a nice little climb, and I might say that I am indeed enjoying my newfound fame, even if it is simply a creepy guy from Myspace "recognizing" me at one of my DJ gigs. But hey, it's a start.
So anyways, one day I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, hand deep inside a bag of my latest buttery delight, Pop Secret's "Homestyle" blend, thinking about how I might one day get my own show on Oxygen creatively titled "Rock of LUV," when my iPhone lit up with a message that changed the course of life as I knew it. Mike Furey, one half of hot Warner Bros record band Dangerous Muse, was curious if I would be up for meeting with Lady Gaga's head tour costume designer to stand-in as her fit model. He believed we had the same body measurements and that I would be a perfect "fit" - no pun intended. I threw the popcorn across the room in disgust. How dare I continue to savor those buttery little delights when I had the chance to be the human mannequin for the most talked about and biggest pop star today?!?! Visions of corsets, Kermit the Frog and fake blood danced in my head. I had 24 hours to meet with legendary designer Zaldy to see if I indeed would be the perfect mold for ass and titties that sold 5 hit singles to date.
Some might say this wasn't that big of a deal. Those people would be dumb. Imagine being the fit model for Madonna or Michael Jackson for the costumes of their first solo tour, Imagine being the hand that tested out the first silver glove or the tit that held the first cone...Exactly.
As I approached the studio, I realized I would be meeting with the same Zaldy who created LAMB alongside Gwen Stefani and was designing the costumes for Michael Jackson's last tour before his untimely death. Zaldy is one of the top names for cutting edge design, and also the head designer for Gaga's first solo tour. As I entered the stark white room, with one big wooden table full of fabric slabs and a wall filled with thousands of inspiration magazine cutouts, I realized I was about to be part of history. This was not the time to be shy, so with everyone eagerly looking at me to remove my clothes I realized I should've been running all these months instead of contemplating Brett Michael's mullet. I threw my shirt to the floor and let the design team drape me in corsets and measuring tape. Phrases like "You have a 26 inch waist and Lady Gaga has 25" were thrown around and I was a little bit surprised when they even measured my ankles. I felt like fashion cattle. I was pretty darn close and was proud of my ability to hold my breath without dying in a corset when, just as I was feeling ready to take on a new side job as Lady Gaga's fit model, they had me remove my heels and exclaimed, "Wait, you are too tall!"
Damn you, Dad, and all the tall people in my family who have cursed me with this 5'6" frame! How dare they? All my life I had wanted to reach my full capacity of 5'9" as predicted by my pediatrician and wondered why God wouldn't let me reach my full potential, and here I was in one minute cursing my mere towering frame to the tiny miss Gaga. The corset was ripped from my chest and suddenly I felt like I just had a one night stand and was rushing to grab my stuff off the floor and escape without any awkward goodbyes. At least that's the way it looks in the movies, I wouldn't know.
I threw on my clothes as the design team lamented how they thought "I was going to be perfect" and ushered me to the door. Later that night, I received a text message from Mike Furey simply saying, "You are special, be glad you are no one else's mold."
And as I sat with a half smile on my face and a freshly popped bag of Newman's Own Ultra Butter, I looked up at Gaga's signed CD on my wall and told her, "I will enjoy my fame, it's all mine, and there is a better view up here."