So I’m sitting on the plane from Chicago to LA listening to Metric and desperately trying to tune out the little devils sitting in front of me. I have never seen such bad parenting in my entire life. I swear the more time I spend in airports lately touring, the more I notice how many bad parents there are … “Oh little Bobby do you want grilled chicken or steak for dinner hunny? Or would you rather both? Mommy can make you both!” … barf! And you wonder why these kids act like spoiled little monsters!
My parents made dinner and I ate it. There was no long-winded discussion needed for a 5 year old’s sudden whim for a nice hanger steak instead of fried chicken. When I went on planes I sat in my seat with my seatbelt fastened and colored in my Barbie coloring book. I didn’t put the tray table up and down and up and down until the person in front of me got a stress ulcer. Now I love kids but I swear to g-d if one thing could make me not hold back it is airport child monsters. But anyways, I will focus on the positive, which is the fact of why I am on this plane in the first place. And that is touring!
So currently I am leaving Chicago where I played some official after-parties for Lollapalooza. It was amazing! My favorite gig was when I played after the Brazilian Girls at Sonotheque to a crowd that was bouncing up and down sweating it up with me for a good hour and a half. The best part was when the guys would look over the booth and see that the little hand bouncing up and down was me! They were in shock a girl could rock so hard and I was in shock I was there in the first place. It was surreal and probably one of my favorite gigs to date. The energy was pulsating and I just can’t see New Yorkers sweating it out at a swanky lounge like this. Then the next day (besides sweating enough to fill a kiddies pool at the festival in 100 degree sunny heat) I was able to rock out stage-side with my good friends The Raveonettes and party it up with Snoop Doggy Dog as 70,000 people “waived their hands in the air like they just don’t care”.
So this was my very first Lollapalooza, but over the years I have been to Chicago more than my own hometown of Boston. I used to work for a marketing agency in Chicago and was in and out of there a dozen times a year. There are a few things I have learned about Chicago in my time there. They have AMAZING food, incredible restaurants, and a lot of overweight people (this may all go hand in hand). Regardless, I like to let my fat flag fly when in town so I had a great time eating it up with the best of them. This breakfast place I went to this morning before the airport even let you order pancakes instead of toast with your eggs… yowsa! So besides eating like Kirstie Alley on a cheat day this AM, I am off to Hollywood where all my friends are miserable pale vegans who try and force-feed me tofu scrambles and veggie cheese. Needless to say I enjoyed myself immensely as I enter Lindsay Lohan starvation territory in T-3 hours.
Speaking of Lohan, I am especially excited because I may actually get to meet my favorite ginger creature. I am DJing a special fashion event at the Skybar and among the celebrity potentials, Miss Lohan might just swing by. I feel like this could be our big moment. Everyone knows she loves girl DJs and vodka redbulls, and well - I AM a girl DJ and I love vodka redbulls, so needless to say it may just work out. Yes, yes I know I am straight, and she is well, Lindsay Lohan, but c’mon, the headlines would be HUGE- when LiLo met LiLuv or “the Two Lindsays”, or “LSquared”! The names alone could be love. I know you’re all worried because I have a thing against streaky orange spray tans but I think I can help her scrub those tough orange spots around her ankles and maybe that’ll just bring us so much closer. Anyway, I like Lindsay- she has a great wardrobe, she goes to great parties, she likes She-Jays, but most of all she has a great name! So Lindsay, if you make it to the event, come say hi, we can both pretend my bottled water isn’t really vodka!!!
Besides trying to lockdown Lindsay into a deeply committed faux lesbian relationship, I actually have some seriously great plans while in LA. I am DJing the spanking new hotspot Jane’s House. According to this week’s US Weekly top of the buzz-o-meter, Lauren Conrad, or as I affectionately call her (with 50 million other people) ‘LC’, frequents the joint. In other words… this place is hotter then when Megan Fox walked into Comic-Con and geeks everywhere melted. I am pretty excited to DJ there not one, but two nights: Wednesday and Friday. LA people come show me some love- especially Jason Stackhouse from True Blood. Baby I Love You. I don’t mean to sound nuts but once I felt like he was winking at me through my tivo! Is that possible?! Well anyway….
So LA is gunna be chock full of shining stars and I plan to bring a lil NY glitter their way…. My dad asked me if there would be paparazzi waiting for me at the airport and I like to think that’ll happen. The little people in my head just told me so.
Ok, besides DJing at some great spots, the highlight of my trip is definitely going to DISNEYLAND! Yes, I am a total dork. If you only knew what it took for me to get someone to agree to this adventure… I basically clubbed my friend over the head to get him to agree to take me to Disney. I tried to negotiate Mickey ear hat wearing into the deal but he was not budging!! Just wait till I get him on “It’s a Small World”!
SO we are getting close to LA and I have already had the best trip in my head- I have planned my future with my sassy orange girlfriend, I have DJed for LC, I have made out with Jason Stackhouse and I have forced a man who is 6’3” to wear Mickey Ears. All in all I would say things are looking up.
This is Lindsay Luvhan, live from United Airlines, sending all my NYers my Luv and a lil bit of my Lohan….