5. Lose your temper
O.K. whoa. Chill out. It's not hot, it's not sexy, it's not super masculine and impressive. It is just the worst when people get all riled up, slip up on their egos, and end up in some giant, irrelevant fight over a spilled vodka club. Losing your temper will only lead to drunken words you never meant to say and black&blue shiners, which aren't cute for work the next day. Take a deep breath, take another shot, and bring those clenched fists back to fist pumping.
911 - calling for help. There are few things as much a buzzkill as your sloppily drunk BFF bawling her eyes out, hanging onto your shoulder. Love you and all, but plz stop smearing your makeup onto my fleeky new blazer about some three-week ex fling who never called you back. We can gossip about him later. For now, get it together! Do not cry when you are out at the club, it’s awkward for you, it’s awkward for me, it’s awkward for everyone nearby staring and whispering. At least hold your ground until we make it to the Uber, then we will tuck you in and pretend it never happened in the morning.
3. Forget her name
Shelby? Do I look like a Shelby to you?! You bought her a drink, she’s giggling, she’s totally cute. Then you majorly slip up: you get her name wrong. For a moment there, you were almost getting laid tonight. Disappointing. Next time, stick to “babe” and “cutie.” We’ll swoon, and you’ll slide home. Everyone wins.
2. Text your ex
GRAB HER PHONE. GET IT. We’re all familiar with that shameful hour of the night where we have to wrestle our BFF’s cellphone from her prying claws while she tries to dial her ex from two years ago. O.K. maybe, we might be guilty of it ourselves, once or twice… Well, stop. It only leads to trouble, tears, and early morning regrets. Remember, friends don’t let friends dial drunk.
1. Take your heels off
We all know that one girl who is often seen stumbling, barefoot out of the party toward the nearest pizzeria at the end of the night (or the early morning). I suppose she can get away with this as long as no one else sees her… But please do NOT be that person who is barefoot on the dance floor, or on top of the bar. So gross. Stop. If you’re gonna strap on pumps, you better commit and prepare to strut. Do us all a favor, and keep those bad boys locked on all night.